someone get that fucking seahorse.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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