But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
