If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
home. puking in laundry basket.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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