just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I cut my penus on the lid.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
