I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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