So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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