I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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