fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
