she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
