you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
