PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize