I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
