Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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