You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
