I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
