no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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