i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
