I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
