a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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