i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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