oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
