he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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