I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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