You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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