My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
