I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My hand turned me down
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
