Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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