On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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