The maid of honor just puked.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
where are you?
Hypothermia
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
