I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
