I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
