i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
