Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
