I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
