It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
