I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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