Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
