I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
There's even glitter on my cock...
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