I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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