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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
