dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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