I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
