im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
