At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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