he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
