If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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