I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize