When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
