some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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