Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
