We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
