From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
