im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
