come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
