just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
