You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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